Brain Injury 101: Change and Relationships

The discomfort of a relationship is often the catalyst for change.  But do we?  Do we change for ourselves or for the sake of healing the relationship?  Or both? If you believe in the relationship, in your spouse, you work on change. Even when the pain is excruciating.

Change is difficult

When dealing with someone who has suffered a TBI or has post-Concussion syndrome, change is difficult.  As wives, we often bear the brunt of the anger that may arise in our marriage.  Perhaps your husband also suffers from PTSD, or yet, you seem to suffer from it.  Any little mishap, any wrong step and he goes off.  If not at you, at the children or whomever is closest.  Most often, it’s you, the wife.

Your faith

What about your faith?  You married, vowing before Jesus that you would marry for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.  But, you’re so very tired.  So. Very. Tired.  You’ve sought counseling, but he won’t go.  And try as you might to implement what you’ve learned, things just don’t seem to change.  And as stated before, you believe in the relationship. You have invested your life and you don’t want to throw it away.  You long for the man you married to come back, but he’s buried somewhere in his mind.

Choices

As difficult as it is, you chose to stay. Perhaps you have lost all self-worth, and don’t see any place to turn.  No one understands.  Or so you believe.  It’s hard to share what you are feeling.  So, you put on the mask.  And you scream silently to yourself when the words and the attitude hurts beyond measure.  (NOTE: I do not advocate staying in a physically abusive situation, you need to use discernment for this.)

You are not alone

 There are support groups you can “attend”, whether they be inside Face Book or online in other forums, as well as at hospitals or local churches.  Work on ways to strengthen your marriage.  Give yourself a break from each other. The wife/caregiver sometimes needs a caregiver.  

Support groups are not meant to bash or compare.  Rather, they are places to seek and give encouragement.  Remember, every TBI (including concussions/mild TBIs) and case of PTSD is unique to the person who has suffered it.  No two are alike.  Similarities are there.  Draw on the strength of others who have gone before you.  Giving voice to your feelings may just encourage another wife who finds herself stuck.

Look at yourself

Also, may I suggest, self-examination.  We can’t play the “blame game”, “he said, she said”, etc.  We are responsible for our words, actions, attitudes and responses.  I have found this to be true in my own relationships.  When I respond using an “I statement” rather than a “you statement”, it can diffuse a potential argument.  Marriage takes two (well, if you are a Christ follower – three, with Jesus as the helm!)

Prayer!

And don’t forget prayer!  Seek the Lord while He may be found.  Call on Him to guide you and give you strength.  Yes, we are in situations and spaces we didn’t ask to be.  The Lord has allowed the drastic change in our lives and the life of our loved one; we need to seek the good in it.  Was it to turn your marriage around?  Was it to teach compassion to onlooking people? Was it to unbury the person you were created to be?  The answer may not come immediately; waiting is hard, but it is not a passive activity.  While waiting on the Lord to reveal this purpose to you, engage in what you are learning.  Often times, it is in the active waiting the purpose is revealed.

“So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patiences; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.”

Colassians 3;12-14 NASB

Should you find yourself in a hard situation, with nowhere to turn, please reach out to me at pam@pamdepuydt.com.